I have been very quiet of late. I haven't had the voice to say what I want to say.
I am sinking. I am consumed and overshadowed by my black dog. He has grown to a monstrous size and I have started some medication to try o mitigate the affects that this dog has on me. It's power is such that it's sapped the life from me, the smiles and the laughter and left me a shell.
I am so lucky to have the support of a very understanding husband to help me through this difficult time and I am endlessly grateful that it hasn't affected my bonding with the children. I'm just not their mum right now. I A mum but not me.
I am in almost constant pain in my chest from anxiety. It feels as though my chest is so constricted that I might get cramp in my shoulder and even my jaw. It drags and pull on me and makes me want to tear my heart from my chest to make it stop.
When I heard recently that Robin Williams had died. my first reaction was envy and to think "Oh, he's free". I don't want to die but I don't want to be this enormous burden on my family just sapping the happiness from our home. I don't feel worthy of my family. My black dog tells me I am not. I simply cannot stop thinking about Robin and his family, his story has touched me so much. For the first time in a long while I feel faced with where I'm heading. I can't let this happen to me. I can't lose sight of perspective.
I wanted to write and explain what was happening but I just didn't have the energy or belief that anyone would care enough to read. This isn't everything I want to say but I can't focus enough to organise my thoughts just now. I 'm glad I wrote something though. Thank you to my friend Chele who encouraged me to say something after reading and commenting on her blog post Be kind. It's a great piece of writing that I relate to on so many levels, please go and read.
I hope I am strong enough to claw my way back.
I have to be.