Hello guys, sorry I have been pretty quiet lately. I have been really very tired and also spending a lot of time trying to de-stress and get my myself into a more relaxed state of mind.
The SPD/PGP (symphisis pubic dysfunction/pelvic girdle pain) has got me down somewhat and I am just not feeling the glow that everyone tells you about. Especially when I am sporting this get up!
I’m sure with DD I started to feel a bit better and happier within myself by this point but just now I am not taking as much enjoyment as I feel I should from just being pregnant.
I am 17+3 today so I am well under way and close to half way which feels like it will be a major milestone. I started feeling baby move subtly at 15 weeks and late last week felt the movements on my hand as I rested it on my abdomen. This week I can blatantly feel baby wriggling and pressing against my hand.
I feel a bit sad as I don’t think I really took a moment to appreciate and be excited by these developments because I was frightened of the extra level of attachment they brought. The movement made it more real that I have a baby inside me and that if anything went wrong that I would have felt my baby move.
It’s only this week where I had a moment where I was feeling the wriggling and just feeling so lucky and blessed. I was listening in with my Doppler and could her a good strong heartbeat and the sounds of baby swishing and moving. It suddenly hit me. That is MY baby in there. MY baby has this strong heartbeat. MY baby is moving and wriggling and pressing his or her limbs up against my belly for ME to feel. I love this little baby so much that I can’t bear the thought of anything going wrong this time. I can feel baby exercising right now as I type and It feels like a miracle of sorts.
I truly do believe that everything will be ok this time but it’s like the pregnancy is set to a foundation of wariness. It’s like feeling as though I cannot completely relax until I am holding my healthy baby in my arms. I truly don’t doubt that my baby will arrive, but I just can’t totally let go of my fears. Unfortunately that means that I just am unable to completely surrender to the joy of it all. This will definitely be the last baby I have & the very last time I ever go through the ttc process. It’s been a hard couple of years and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. With DS & DD I took it for granted that all would be well so didn’t consider that I should be worried at all but now it’s different. I know what it’s like to lose a baby and I know how much it hurts and I’m afraid. Afraid of loss and afraid to become to attached in case I experience loss again.
But it’s happening. I am becoming attached, I am in love already.
I think this is why I have been reluctant to look at baby names or consider finding out the gender before the birth up till now. I still want to wait to find out whether this is a boy or a girl but I think that as I try to relax more I want to wait so that I can be surprised rather than so that I can try to detach myself. Name picking is a little harder. I will look and maybe throw some I the arena of choice but I can’t choose names yet. I haven’t gotten that relaxed yet. Maybe after the 20 week scan I can look at names again.
I can’t wait to see baby again. 20 weeks. THEN I can relax……