Tuesday, 21 January 2014

Triggered

Triggers are the worst.

They are anything that presses your buttons, flicks your switch, catches off guard, reminds you.  They punch you in the gut.  They sink you and try to hold you under.  Sometimes they don't catch you unawares though.  Sometimes you know something will trigger you and you know it's coming.  Maybe you can avoid it and maybe you can't but you must above all else manage it.

I'm typing this in bed.  In bed crying.  Actually I'm in bed crying, shaking and trying not to vomit from anxiety.  The physical rigours of the stress caused from the sudden flood of emotion and feelings that my trigger has released.  

I'm suddenly small and insignificant.  Bullied and isolated.  Shamed & discarded.  Embarrassed and foolish.  Needy and desperate.  I feel like a child, I honestly have the urge to have a tantrum because it's not fair.  I hate them! I hate them so much!  

Then I take a deep breath.   I mustn't waste my energy.  I mustn't use an ounce of my strength on any emotions for them.  They don't even matter one bit to my life or happiness so I must not use any energy on them.

My black dog wants me to be consumed by this horrible feeling but I won't.  I won't because I know it's tricks and I can play the game too.  I don't need to be consumed. I'm allowed a moment to be pissed off and a moment to say "it's not fair" but then I breath deeply and concentrate on the here and now.  

Deep breaths then sleep.  
Tomorrow is another day x

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