Thursday, 19 June 2014

Truth be told

It's been age's since I posted anything.  It's like I've disappeared off the face of the earth and if I'm honest I feel as though in some ways I have.  I was avoiding writing anything here because I didn't want to appear negative or sound ungrateful but in reality that's just me not being true to myself and my feelings.

I was trying pretend it wasn't happening and hoping that if I kept my mind off it it wouldn't be true, but it is.  I am relapsing.  I am falling back into depression.  At first it was slowly but now it's snowballing and I feel overwhelmed with the strength and speed that my black dog has gained and it's sudden ability to easily wield power over me.  

During my pregnancy I felt nothing but fear and anxiety.  I couldn't allow myself to believe my baby would arrive until the day she did and that fear hasn't left me.  I am permanently in a state of 'fight or flight'.  Constantly throughout the day I get the urge to throw up as my tummy flips and my heart races as terrible anxiety and fear comes over me and my brain scrambles thoughts trying to locate the source of this intense fear.  

Then I realise that there isn't a source or a reason but I can't turn it off and I'm stuck.  It's feeding my depression.  Making it bigger and better than me
and I'm sinking.

Many months ago due to having terrible sickness followed by severe and relentless pain in my back and pelvis during pregnancy I had my most powerful weapon against my black dog taken away from me, that being exercise.   

I haven't been able to take part in exercise since October 2013.   I was desperate to exercise during my pregnancy to fight the depression but couldn't.  I was desperate afterwards but couldn't due to recovery from c-section and now although it's a slow recovery process and I can start a slow exercise program, I don't have the motivation.

Now I look in the mirror and I don't see someone worth working for.  I don't see someone that anyone cares about or that can achieve anything.  I feel like a loser, an idiot.  I feel like my friends and family just look through me.  They don't see anything but the funny me, the joker.  They laugh at me and don't take me seriously.  I don't warrant respect or the time to listen to me.  I'm ignored, I feel isolated and I feel alone.

So I just say "yeah I'm ok".  Why bother saying anything else?

I know that I'm paranoid.  I know that this is my perception because my brain can't fight right now.  I'm weak and I can't fight and I'm scared.  I was only meant to type the title of this but am now crying into a pot of boiling linguine!

I don't know where I can find the strength to stand up and fight.  I don't know how to believe in myself right now. 

I have a lovely health visitor who looks at me like a broken doll she wants to fix.  I feel like a 6 year old girl around her.  I want her to hug me and rock me but I just tell her I'm ok.  She can see through me though and refuses to discharge me and secretly I'm glad.  I also have arranged to see my CBT counsellor for a follow up session.  One that I kept available in case something like this happened.  I hope it helps me.  I hope it helps me believe what I think I know.  My black dog is a liar and I am worth something after all.

For now though, I paint on my smile and say:

I'm ok
 


x

2 comments:

  1. Sending you lots of love and hugs. The black dog has an awful bite, believe me I know all too well. Remember though it's never better than you, you are better than it and you will get better, just take each day at a time, don't overwhelm yourself, stick to your comfort zone and gradually little by little you'll gather back in those little pieces the dog has bitten off and hidden. They're not gone, you just can't find them right now. *big hugs* xx

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, I guess I'm struggling to find some focus in the haze and now an waking to an immediate tightening of my chest and it just stays like that. I can change it but I just need a helping kick start x

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